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Guide to 'ull
A Visitors guide to 'ull (England)
[Things inside these brackets are written by local 'ull hero. Gary]
Handy hints to stay alive in Hull *DISCLAIMER* We do not accept responsability for those stupid people who decide to go to Hull and not follow these rules. [Like that pit full of dead people]
1) First of all, you must learn how to pronounce the name of the city. Its 'ull' (to rhyme with 'dull' [or more comanly Contituanal]). Remember the letter 'h' at the beginning of a word, is never pronounced under any circumstance [even if you are urged to ... trust me, you will be shot]
2) Next, learn how to dress to fit in. Important- anyone who breaks the sacred rule number 2 is immediately hunted down like a dog [Or like a cat, which is more likey in Hull since we hunted all the dogs]. Sports clothing, fake gold rings, smelling like an ashtray is all part of the 'cool' look . These People are known as 'Townies' [boo]
3) Spitting is a healthy part of everyday life. [Unless your unhealthy]
4) It's a not medical condition- its cool to walk that way. [We al have 9 legs so its preatty hard to walk]
5) When visiting certain parts of 'ull you must speak Kosovan. [Cause ... well, you dont wanna know]
6) Originality is not encouraged nor is it advised. [Whatever it is. Wherever]
7) When visiting north Ull, Never leave your car unattended. [We have huge 900 foot insect monster that shoot rays out of there eyes and kill your cars. Thats what my mummy said so dont argue]
8) There is a special prize if you find a 12 year old virgin. [Ok, that one is sick]
9) Don't worry, when someone asks you- 'you wanna fight?' don't be scared. They are mealy making friends with you. But to be on the safe side- run like shit off a stick! [Unless you want a fight, most people smoke alot so they are weak! YOU CAN EAT THEM ALIVE. Well, its not advised but you can]
10) It's customarily to shoplift a souvinir. [Its also customarily to goto jail for shoplifting]
11) Ull is, without question, the centre of the universe. Do NOT question it. [Unless your an alien and you come from the centre of the universe]
Hull to English Translations[I'll just skip this bit cause I cant read them XD]
To pronounce these words correctly, first of all try to move your mouth as little as possible and try to act like you have just had a labotamy and you will have no problems. Never pronounce your T's amd every sentence ends with the stoneaged grunt "uuuhhhh". Remember these people have barely evolved since the caveman days but we call them "townies" the letters that are written in capital letters you emphasise the other letters you mumble.
WOtUmEaNUDOnSmOOke? You are a geek and you will never be popular.
GiMmEeAFAG Can I have a ciggarette please?
UDoINmEaDIN You are annoying me
AMGoNNABbRAYA I am going to beat you up
UGoNAmEAuS Do you want to come to my house?
GoNEChewE? Please can i have some chewing gum I do not want my mum to find out that I smoke
CANAYLENDAFaivA? Give me five pounds or I will use the little brain I have to hurt you
FerN CuRlZ- Phone Calls
RanC That is disgusting
esasounDKiDeiS He is a nice boy, isnt he?
Fanx You have stolen my wallet, how awkward and inconvieninet
UCuMINTaMeiNlAeR Do you want to come to my house later?
OOhmIgoD RUSTILLAVErGiN? So where are you from?
WOUFUCKINLUCINA? Do you want to be my friend?
didyerGeRaFwiVer? Did you kiss her?
Good Things About 'Ull
If the Ice Caps melt we are the first to drown [LIAR! First the polar-bears drown! HAHAHA]
'Ull is full of 'istory, in fact, many buildings which were bombed during the war still lay in ruins [Cause we are poor, send money to my house if you feel sorry for Hull]
We have the world smallest stain glass window! [WOAH! GET YOUR CAMERAS READY!]
The Humber Bridge is the 2nd largest Suspension bridge (bloody Japs!) in the whole wide world [Its doesnt look THAT big], which links 'ull to the rest of civilisation (Linconshire) [America], which, in fact, is not actually in ull its near it [Yeah ... lets revolt. WE WANT BRIDGE!]
Ways to escape 'ull
The Ports- Good excess to mainland Europe via Rotterdam or Zeeburger, onboard a beautiful new ferry with great entertainment and dazzling nightlife. [you get to hold a sparkle] (PS. Ships are good place to meet new friends). Ask a travel agent for details. [Don't, trust me. Just avoid Hulls travel agents]
Bus Station- It may look like a dump and it is a death-trap, [Wow, they said something right for a change] but it may be your savouir out of this rancid hell-hole.[Hell, Hull. YAY THEM RYME!] Buses leave to mainland England regularly.[You'll be lucky to get past jacksons] See timetable for details [If there is one]
Train Station- Also a total dump but its safer than the bus! [Yup, they are, the train passes through the 43865584865633 foot hole in the ground ... in fact, it runs into the 43865584865633 foot hole in the ground] See timetable for details [Again, if there is one]
Roads- M62 which goes to the West. [Which is Wales ... you'd rather stay in Hull]
Interesting Places to Visit in 'ull
(PS there are a few 'Normal' people in Hull [like Gary], but we have been forced into hiding by the 'Townies' [Gary kills all Townies, but they come back REALLY FAST]. We lurk in cyber-space where it safe to join the rest of society without fear of being harmed. SAVE US! Help us reclaim the streets for the norm! [Like Gary ... Mabye])
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